Parenting provides daily opportunities to practice "being in the
moment" and to "go with" what we know works - person centered
thinking.
Recently my son, almost five years old, told me he
wanted me to talk to his teachers. He brings up things that are
worrying him either in the car on the way home from
pre-kindergarten or at bedtime. This one was at bedtime. Of
course I asked him why he wanted me to talk to his teachers….which
led to the following conversation:
Ben:"Mama, Miss Anna (name changed) told me to stop eating
my shirt and it made me feel bad and scared me."
Me: "Do you think she was just being silly? Maybe she wanted you
to stop chewing on your shirt - it does stretch out the
collar."
Ben: "No Mama - she hurt my feelings." (Okay,
need to really listen and understand. Also occuring to me that I
have a very sensitive son.)
Me: "I don't think Miss Anna was trying to hurt your feelings,
she really likes you. I've noticed you have been chewing on your
shirt since you moved to your new classroom. How do you feel when
you are chewing on your shirt" (trying to learn what is important
to him, figure out if he is worried/stressed about something in his
class)
Ben: "Yeah, I like chewing on my shirt. I don't know why I
do it. I try to stop, but I don't, then Miss Anna teases me about
chewing my shirt. (I'm desperately trying to NOT react to this
- I could easily launch into "protective mother mode")
Me: "Okay, well what do you want me to tell your teachers?"
(taking action on his initial request)
Ben: "Tell them that it made me worried and scared when they
told me to stop chewing on my shirt."
Me: " Okay honey. When I see you chewing on your shirt, what do
you want me to? Should I say something funny like Ben does that
taste like a chocolate cupcake?" (trying to learn what support
works best and what is really bothering him)
Ben: "NO Mama!! That would make me sad and worried if you
said that." (oh dear, that was wrong approach…let's try
something else)
Me: "Okay honey, I won't say that. What about if I didn't say
anything and just gave you a little sideways hug?" (Hopeful. I
figured it out that saying something was upsetting -drawing
attention, even in silly way, NOT what good support looks like to
Ben. Also, I had to focus on "worried/sad". He needs reassurance
not correcting.)
Ben: Thinks for a minute. "Yes, Mama that would be good, can
you tell my teachers that? I don't want them to say anything to me,
just a little hug." (Okay, this seems doable!)
Me: "Okay that sounds like a deal" (our way of finalizing a plan
of action)
The following day, I mentioned this conversation to his teachers
- quickly of course since only had a few minutes as Ben arrived to
discuss. At first, I think the teachers were taken aback when given
feedback that their approach was bothering Ben. They of course
thought it was a playful and positive way of addressing Ben chewing
on his shirt. They agreed to stop focusing on it and give a little
hug when they saw it.
At home we also didn't say anything directly to Ben about it,
but gave him a little hug each time we saw him doing it. After a
week, he said to me "Mama, I don't chew on my shirt anymore and
the teachers don't tease me" And Smiled!
Did I really care about the fact he was chewing on his shirt -
well not really. The only concern for me was Ben saying he wanted
to stop and couldn't and that he was not happy with what his
teachers were saying. Also, the chewing did kinda stretch out the
collar of his shirts.
What is most important is we figured out how to provide good
support when he asked for it! Whew!
